Fast

Fast is kind of a dirty word. It's hard. I fast once a month for religious reasons, that is difficult as well. Not only that, but I find myself enthusiastic for food following my fast. I stand in the kitchen until I'm finished with my fast, and I plan out everything I am going to consume. I wondered if this experience was going to be similar.
I committed to 48 hours media free April 10-12, 2015.
I shied away from making a public post, or telling anyone about the fast in general. I wanted to experiment. I told my mom and dad, but that's it. I designated this weekend as a good opportunity because I did not have to work, and I was traveling up north to visit my boyfriend. Yes, I cut a corner. I knew I would spend eight of those 48 hours driving unable to use my cell phone. Over the weekend I knew I needed to correspond with a student friend about a project we were presenting that following monday, still I moved forward. I also did not tell my boyfriend about the fast, around 3:55pm Friday I told My mom and Dad and Taylor that I was leaving and beginning my drive. I threw an unmarked mixed CD in my purse and saddled up for my media free adventure. The CD was a mix a boy made me in tenth grade and I wanted to throw up almost the entire drive, yuck. Sophmores should not be allowed to talk to boys. I got to go down memory lane, I wanted the radio really bad. I held off, and ended up turning off the radio all together. My phone sat in the passenger seat buzzing and illuminating periodically. I wanted to see the messages because part of me was anxious and worried. I drove to Orem without a hitch, imagine if I had encountered a flat tire or some sort of vehicle trouble. Ew. When I arrived in Orem I caught my sister as she was walking out the door, and saw my brother in law frazzled and battling a cold so I stole their daughter and decided I was going to be in charge of her for the evening while I let my brother in law sleep. I realized that I had no way to tell Taylor I was in town. As my sister sped away I said, " Hey text Tay and tell him to come over" she obliged but I never had to explain why I was not capable of texting him myself. He came over and scolded me for not checking in on the drive, and also ignoring his calls. I spilled, I told him about the media fast and he was thrilled, he then flat out told me I needed this. Meanwhile he confirmed plans to meet friends for dinner, I got my sister's baby ready to go. I ran and told my brother in law the plan, "Hey we are taking the baby to go meet people for dinner". He said okay and off we went. It was already after seven, and we took awhile to eat, meanwhile my phone died which I was not even aware of. Also, it was a friday night in Orem/ Provo which equals date night, so the wait for the restaurant was longer than we expected. When Taylor and I returned to my sister's home and brought her baby to her, she looked worried and said, Bette! Where is your phone I was texting you, and Casey called you". I then told her it was dead and she expressed that she had been worrying and then I told her about my media fast. Everything was fine but I could tell that I had caused some worry and concern by not answering my device for almost two hours. I felt guilty and somehow I felt irresponsible. The rest of the weekend went okay for the most part, my hands were stressed. I kept grabbing my phone and automatically hitting the facebook widget and I would quickly press the apple home screen repeatedly as fast as lightning before anything would load. My hands just had a rhythm and I became aware of it that weekend, for some reason my thumb would go straight to facebook even if I was just checking the time. I was nervous about losing my phone so I didn't lock it up in my glovebox or leave it in the bottom of my purse. I'm always holding my phone or keeping it within reach, I could not give up the reins that much. I needed it around. My one and only flub was when my work called me I knew that I had to answer. I did resist multiple texts messages, including my group text. My best friend from NY was texting me, I had seven from her. I knew that meant boyfriend trouble. My school friend partner had texted me three times, I was starting to feel anxious. I also did not do homework over this weekend. I did not want to be tempted by Canvas or .. Google. I knew that I was not utilizing my time but I was determined to not cave. The internet and media and data tugged at my conscious all weekend, I had been triple charged by an online clothing purchase and I was stressed about checking my bank account because I knew the longer that went the more likely it was not going to be fixed, I wanted to see if the phone operator had sorted out the issue, just for peace of mind. I felt flakey as a friend and school partner. I was completely useless without Yelp for deciding where to eat so I took on the role of taxi cab, music-less taxi driver. I went on a lot of walks with my niece and boyfriend and I cooked several meals that weekend. When Sunday rolled by I had my sister text my dad and tell him I was on my way and he said "Bette, If I call you better answer", I told her to respond, "Don't call". Everyone was much more nervous as I departed back to St. George especially since it was eight pm when I was leaving, my fast was over but I still decided to keep going until I got back to St. George. When I arrived home at twelve-thirty pm I immediately fired up my laptop and got to work on responding to my school partner and finishing up the final touches on our presentation. When I saw her the next morning I could tell she was frustrated by my absence and I told her about the fast and she still was not entirely impressed. Our presentation went fine, in fact it was one of my better presentations, I wasn't as nervous for some reason. I then went right back to my normal routine, after my presentation I celebrated by scrolling through my favorite shopping apps between classes the rest of my day. I was surprised that I had extended my fast a few hours, I thought it would be similar to me on the first sunday of the month, anxious for food. I thought I would need my media back, instead I let it serve as a reward for completing my assignment and then following my classes. I think putting the phone and media on the shelf for a a weekend is a great idea, I think that I could ease into the idea and make it a common occurrence in my life. Of course I would have to find a way to believe that everything will be okay if I do not respond to a text or answer a phone call. I was nervous and nerves are not a fun experience. I'd like to get to a point where I am not nervous because of a cell phone. I found myself feeling extremely accountable to people, and less accountable to myself. I realized I was worrying about accommodating others who needed to be in contact with me. The pressure to respond and care and act is somewhat consuming when it comes to a device. I want to practice putting my phone away and try to stop myself from letting my thumb lerch towards facebook immediately following my unlock screen. I'll have to try something like this again now that I've make some observances. My media usage is still normal but I want to institute some moments where my phone is not near me and see what that is like.